


Staccato

by phlarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Blind Louis, Break Up, Cancer, Cheating, Dark, Deaf Louis, Depressed Louis, Depression, Hope, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Larry Stylinson Is Real, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Morse Code, Overdosing, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Harry, Verbal Abuse, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, light fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-16 06:01:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8090242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phlarry/pseuds/phlarry
Summary: Louis doesn't remember much from before everything went wrong.But he remembers Harry from after.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Read. The. Tags.

Louis doesn’t know when the yelling stopped. He doesn’t know when he stopped seeing and hearing. Stopped being able to make out the blurry words strung together across the chalk board in his kindergarten teacher’s loopy handwriting. Stopped hearing the scratch of the chalk as cursive letters were scraped out. 

It started with the headaches, he thinks. 

When he would come home from school complaining to his mom about the pain behind his eyelids that wouldn’t go away when he rubbed at them. His mom giving him a pain reliever and some hot chocolate and sending him up to bed. He thinks he remembers the way his mum looked when his complaints began to last for days instead of hours. When his teacher asked her to stay after class. When she told her that Louis wasn't able to see the board very well, even from the front row. When the doctor wouldn't tell her what was going on. Louis thinks he remembers that.

He doesn't remember exactly what made his mum start crying that day. All he remembers is her pulling him into her chest and rubbing his head, kissing his forehead softly. He remembers that, at least.

Colors don't really mean anything to him anymore. Neither do sounds. His mum gets sad when he tries to remember them, he can tell. He can tell by the way her hand tightens around his and the water dripping onto his shoulder when they hug. He thinks he'd like to know why. 

He remembers some big words being thrown around when he sat in a hospital bed. He remembers feeling extra special because of all the 'get well soon' cards his classmates sent him. He thinks he remembers the last time he laughed. It was when the nice nurse let him have an extra pack of jello the day before the surgery, telling him to keep it a secret because he wasn't allowed to have extra dessert. 

Louis thinks he can recall the exact moment his mother fell into depression. He remembers hearing something muffled. Remembers not responding. Remembers his mother dropping his hand. Remembers not seeing as she left the room, not hearing the door open or shut, not noticing the nurse entering the room and helping him to get tucked in. Only feeling the pressure of practiced hands attaching little needles into his arm. Only feeling. 

He doesn't remember the surgery. He only know what his mum taps out against his palm. He doesn't remember people who introduce themselves to him. Barely registers their names as his helper for the day relays them against his arm.

He remembers meeting Harry, though.

-

Today was going to be awful, Louis could tell. He woke up to muted light and the feeling of his soft sheets against his skin. Which, to any other teenager, would seem like a normal Tuesday morning. But Louis knew better. He knew that waking up alone meant another bad day for his mother. Obviously a bad day for Lottie, who had given up on communicating with Louis a few months after he stopped responding to her shouting from right beside him. 

Regardless of his lonesomeness, he began to get ready for the day. He doesn't know why they make him go to school still. He'll never be a contributing member of society, even with the helper his mum paid for, who was shit anyway.

Today was going to be awful.

It wasn't often that Louis had to navigate his way around school alone, but his helper's sister was having a baby, apparently, and couldn't be bothered to inform Louis in time to get someone else. So there Louis was, walking through the hallway with one hand dragging against the rows of lockers and the other gripping fiercely onto his backpack strap. He didn't need to have working eyes to see the pitying gazes thrust at him. Nor working ears to hear the judgemental remarks whispered to friends. But he felt them. He couldn't help but agree.

-

It was after lunch, Louis thinks.

He was counting the door in the hallway, making sure to get theverything right number for his English class. When he felt that he had successfully found the right door, Louis grappled with the door handle and shoved into the room. He was met with silence, obviously. He could, however, feel a deep thrumming in his veins.

He was surprised when he walked forward and his hip didn't meet with the corners of any desks or chairs. He bumped against something large.

Pressing a hand against it, he felt the course and bumpy structure of what seemed to be a speaker or amp. He must have accidentally wandered into the music hallway instead of the English one. Louis wasn't chuffed about it. That is until, when he went to pull his hand away, a hard vibration reverted through his arm and up into his chest, tingling his whole body pleasantly. He pressed himself further against the amp, feeling the vibrations over and over again.

He jumped when the vibrations stopped and we're replaced by a hand covering his own. The person tapped out a staccato beat against the top of Louis' hand, and Louis was surprised to find he understood it. So this person knew morse code, how convenient. 

The person tapped out five letters.

H-A-R-R-Y

Louis answered back with his own name.

He thinks he remembers feeling Harry smile against his neck as they tapped out a conversation until the bell for the next class rang, shaking Harry out of his stupor and not affecting Louis.

He thinks he remembers smiling back. Today wasn't awful.

-

Louis remembers the last day of high school clearly.

He had been dating Harry for two years at that time, and felt almost more comfortable with him than with his own mother. With Harry's encouragement, Lottie had slowly began conversing with Louis again. Louis thinks Lottie liked Harry. He remembers that his mother took a shine to Harry instantly, inviting him for dinner with the family the first time they hung out.

The last day of school was hard.

It seemed that all of Louis' assailants over the years had decided to team up for one last major attack to truly put Louis in his place. 

Louis remembers feeling the punches and kicks and blood and tears. He can't remember knowing if they shouted at him or not. 

The bullies staggered off when they got bored of beating a compliant Louis who couldn't fight back. Louis didn't try to get up, so he remained lying in a puddle of blood, sweat, and tears. That's how Harry found him.

Neither of them attended graduation.

-

Louis remembers having a family dinner with Harry's family and his own. Gemma had been flinging potatoes at a smiling Harry all night.

He thinks he remembers exactly how tightly Harry gripped his hand as he tapped out what he was saying out loud to the table.

He remembers Jay hugging him and crying more than she did when they first found out. He remembers Anne pulling both him and Harry together for an impromptu group embrace, dragging along Gemma, Lottie, and Jay for the hell of it.

Remembers feeling real hope for the first time in years.

-

The doctor Harry and Jay brought him to seemed professional. She was already informed about Louis issues,and seemed to have everything worked out. 

She tapped out the procedure details for Louis while she explained them to the other two.

The plan wasn't exactly solid, but it was more than they'd ever had to go on. There had been some extensive research and tests done on the cancer that Louis had, which had caused him to lose his hearing and sight, and a possible cure had been found.

They planned to bring Louis in for prep and procedure before surgery in two weeks while the financial and legal things were dealt with. Louis was subjecting himself to an untested treatment that, so far, had only been successful in labs on fixed tumor cells, so the Tomlinson's didn't have to pay for the surgery. 

Harry, of course, was extremely upset at the lack of sufficient testing before the surgery was performed and the cure implemented, but he held Louis hand while the contracts were finalized anyway.

-

The day of the surgery was nerve racking. Harry almost broke Louis' hand with how tight his grip was as they waited for Louis to be prepped. Jay held on tightly to Louis other hand. Gemma was rubbing his thigh and Anne was massaging his shoulders.

The doctors called him back.

Louis didn't really want to go back.

Harry kissed him quickly.

-

Louis remembers being strapped to a bed. He remembers not receiving any pain medication as they tore into his brain, remembers being messaged that the morphine would change the effects of the drugs they were administering, remembers passing out from pain. 

-

He remembers opening his eyes and having to scream because the light hurt. Remembers screaming more at being able to hear his own screams. Remembers someone rushing in and not recognizing that it was Harry. 

Harry was pretty, Louis found.

He had deep dimples and curly brown hair and clear green eyes and a lopsided smile that threatened to swallow him whole.

Louis remembers crying. But for once it was tears of joy, not sadness. Tears celebrating his sight instead of villainising anyone who could use their own. He remembers hearing Harry's deep deep voice calling out to Jay and Anne and Gemma. Louis thinks there were party poppers, but he can't be quite sure. He ended up blacking out from the excessive noise in the small room.

-

Louis remembers attending his first week of classes in university and actually being able to take his own notes. He remembers feeling overwhelmed by the flood of information that wasn't coming from a steadily tapping finger on his thigh. Harry was there, at his university. They didn't have any classes together, except a photography course that Louis chose because he could actually see what he took photos of for once.

-

Louis remembers colors. Colors were pretty, Louis thought. Colors were pretty and Harry was pretty and the world was pretty. 

-

Louis remembers the first time he saw the slums of London. Remembers the dark grey hues that everything seemed to be made of. Remembers the annoyingly loud sounds of taxis and cars honking and traffic and people. Remembers thinking colors weren't so pretty anymore. Harry, though, Harry was still pretty. 

-

He remembers when Harry took him to see a symphony. He thinks that music was beautiful and how could he have never felt the emotions it thrust upon him. Louis thinks that watching Harry's eyes open in wonder as the sounds cascaded over the audience was more beautiful than anything he had ever seen. Louis remembers feeling happy.

-

Louis remembers having his first fight with Harry. He remembers the yelling and screaming and breaking sounds. Remembers the sound of a fist hitting the wall and of the door slamming as Harry stormed out. Remembers falling to the floor and cutting himself on the shards of the broken coffee table. He thinks he didn't get up for a while. He remembers when Harry returned less than an hour later with an apology on his tongue and guilt in his eyes. remembers the horror on Harry's face when he looked at louis, cut and bruised and bleeding on the hardwood floors, surrounded by glass. He remembers the straight lines across his forearm that he said were from falling on the glass. They weren't. He thinks Harry held him looser that night. He thinks that's when it all went south.

-

Louis remembers a few months later, when Harry called to him from the kitchen and he couldn't hear it. Remembers not being able to hear it until Harry was practically in the room, shouting at the top of his lungs. Remembers the dismay on Harry's face.

He thinks that's when he began to regret ever being able to hear in the first place.

-

He remembers when he began to sit closer and closer to the board in his lectures. He thinks that the blurrier the words got the blurrier his feelings towards Harry were. He remembers Harry noticing him squinting and calling him out, forcing him to go to the doctor once more. He remembers that it wasn't good news, that his cancer had returned. In fact, it hadn't ever really left. He thinks that's when Harry started to come home later and leave earlier.

-

He remembers not really knowing what was happening. Slowly, Harry's presence in their shared flat began to dwindle. He still lived, slept, and ate there, but his real presence wasn't there. His things began to disappear, less clothes hanging in the closet, the family photos he had going missing, his photos with Louis being laid flat instead of hanging on the wall. He remembers Harry sleeping further and further away, until he was sleeping in the guest room. 

"I don't want to wake you up when i get home late."

Little did he know Louis didn't fall asleep until Harry was home.

-

Louis thinks loving Harry was both his greatest achievement and his largest mistake,

-

Louis remembers Harry coming home smelling like another man's cologne, remembers the fight after he confronted him about it.

"Who is he?"

"No one."

"I don't know if I believe you anymore."

"I don't if I love you anymore."

Harry said that he didn't mean it, that it was said in the heat of the moment. Louis didn't believe him.

-

Louis remembers his hearing and eyesight steadily diminishing in quality. He remembers when Harry started to spend more time with him, per doctor's recommendation. Louis felt how forced the hugs and kisses and laughter was. He didn't need to be able to see to know it was almost over.

-

Louis remembers when the doctor told him that the surgery had completely reversed itself, and that he would be fully blind and deaf by the end of the year. It was November tenth.

-

Louis remembers the worst fight. He remembers that their flat looked like a war torn battle zone afterwards, and his eye socket was blackened and his wrist was broken.

He remembers going to bed that night and hearing Harry bring someone into the house. Remembers Harry popping his head into Louis' room to make sure he was asleep, remembers the sounds emitting from Harry's room that night. Remembers checking his cabinets to see how many sleeping pills he had left.

-

Louis remembers one night, in particular. It was the first night in two months that Harry slipped into bed with Louis. The first night that he held him like he used to. Louis could barely make out each finger on Harry's hand separately. He remembers Harry whispering meaningless sweet nothings into his ear and stroking his hair. Remembers falling asleep with tear tracks on his cheeks. Remembers waking up a few hours later to find Harry missing. Remembers looking around in the closet and not seeing any of Harry's clothes. All of Harry's possessions, as well as their large suitcase, were missing. Louis remembers stumbling around the entire flat, looking for any trace of Harry. There were none.

Louis remembers lining up the pills on the counter.

-

Harry remembers leaving Louis. He remembers not telling Louis about it. He remembers feeling horrible for it.

He hadn't meant for this to happen, but he couldn't deal with it anymore. He knew waiting with Louis until he was fully blind and deaf again would tear him apart. So he'd lied. He'd lied so that Louis would hate him. He'd made it seem like he was cheating, purposefully hanging off his guy friends so he'd smell like them, playing porn loudly so it would sound like he was having sex. Anything to make his departure less painful for Louis. He was in denial about it not helping, about hurting Louis. He remembers when he hit Louis so hard he gave him a black eye. Harry remembers realizing that he had to leave soon, it would be better for everyone. 

-

Harry remembers the month or so after leaving Louis, he got a phone call from Jay. Harry remembers not knowing why she would call him, remembers not answering. 

Harry remembers playing back the message and immediately getting his stuff together and jumping in his car, driving to Louis', their, flat.

"Hi, Harry. I'm not really sure what's wrong, if anything, but Louis isn't answering my calls or texts. Mind telling me what's going on? Thanks love, see you soon."

-

Harry remembers jamming his key into the lock so hard it almost broke. He remembers the pungent smell that wafted throughout the apartment as he opened the door.

Remembers calling out Louis' name and not getting a response, not that he expected one. 

He remembers how hard his heart was beating as he approached the bathroom, the only room with a light on in the house. The door was slightly ajar, and the smell seemed to come from there. 

He remembers falling completely silent.

There laid Louis. He was surrounded by a pool of dried blood and spilled medication. The glass cup on the counter was full of bleach. The smell was unbearable.

Harry remembers wanting to join Louis. He remembers laying down next to his ex lover. Remembers picking up the razor and following in Louis' footsteps, remembers grabbing Louis and holding him close as he bled put all over him.

Harry remembers his tears mixing with the dried ones on Louis' beautiful face.

Maybe they weren't ever meant to last, he thought. Maybe this was how it was meant to end.

**Author's Note:**

> \\_(°●°)_/  
> Romeo Juliette type ish


End file.
